Fragments
by Voidance
Summary: It went wrong, and he just wanted to make it right. HikaKao.


**Title: Fragments**

**Beta-reader: Chidori no Tenshi. Thank you so, so, so much, Chidori-chan (Glomps, hugs, and kisses).**

**Rating: M**

**Pairing: HikaKao.**

**Warning: Yaoi. OOCness. **

**Disclaimer: If I owned… well, you know what would happen…**

**A/N: This story takes place in the manga, after chapter 53. **

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* * *

**

_Maybe when their mother had picked Kaoru up, and Hikaru had clung to her sleeve and cried, it had all begun_.

_

* * *

_

There were moments when he would rather stay than move along.

But as always, time was a merciless companion. Days flowed idly into his cups of commoner coffee and spilt through the glass windows of the Host Club, and though not many clung to Hikaru's mind long enough to stay as a memory, there were still some. Something about the glances Haruhi tossed at him when she assumed he had turned his back. Something about the teachers' petty complaints to which he never paid enough attention. Something about his mother's musky tone as her talks over the dinner table started to revolve more and more around what sounded like 'natural separation'.

Something about emptiness. Something about hollowness. Something about the grey sky and the pumpkins and the carriage and Kaoru.

_Something about that night when they lay tangling in their bed, and those shivering hands and slender fingers, and his twin clutching his shirt tightly until they both fell asleep. _

_Something about the nightmares that seemed much more like dreams because in there he was with Kaoru, and something about the nightmarish dreams because in there he wasn't. _

_._

_._

"_Hikaru?"_

"_Hn?"_

"_If I ever become a hindrance, just push me out of the way, 'kay?"_

"_Sleep, Kaoru."_

"…_You're such an idiot."_

.

.

Time was a merciless companion.

So when he realized that something was wrong and that everything wasn't going in the right way, days continued to flow idly into his cups of commoner coffee and spill through the glass windows of the Host Club. Somewhere in there, time wrapped its slippery arms around his shoulders, crawled into his veins and sneered.

_It was already too late._

* * *

_When did it go wrong, then?_

"_You two are different even though you look the same."_

Perhaps it was when she had said the words. When he saw the bonds between them unraveling – _bit by bit, little by little_ - leaving burningly red marks on his arms as if to remind him that they were there, _used to be_ there. When he tried to grab and pull them back, when the tiny strings slipped through his long fingers, cutting open the wounds that had never ceased to bleed.

"_Stop joking, I'm the one who's troubled here. I don't have to look exactly like Kaoru."_

Perhaps it was when those hurtful lines rolled off the tip of his tongue, when he saw the pain stirring inside those amber orbs, and Kaoru's lips trembled with an unheard voice screaming to his ears so loudly that it was almost deafening. When something inside him froze and broke, then was sewn back together, only to be crush and torn into infinitesimal fragments once more.

_Actually…_

"_Being treated by others as you, I'm already fed up and sick with all that."_

_Actually… I… _

"_Actually, I hate you the most."_

_Actually… I don't think like that at all._

.

.

"_Why put them into my script if you hate to hear them so much?"_

The boy snuggled up to him like an abandoned kitten searching for some shelter on a rainy day, the lithe body curling and shaking slightly against his chest. Kaoru laughed a little at the question, and Hikaru closed his eyes as his arms wrapped around a slender waist, pulling his little brother to him like he had always done before.

Against his bare skin, he felt Kaoru's lips twitch, curving into a small smile that he knew never reached those honey eyes anymore.

"_If I had been the one who said those lines, wouldn't you have been hurt instead?"_

His Kaoru had never cried in front of him, and this time was just like any other time.

* * *

_When did it go wrong, then?_

Hikaru buried his face into the crook of his brother's neck, a part of him sinking into the sweet vanilla scent and the stillness of the night. On the other side of the door, the small shadow of Honey-senpai was pacing back and forth in his innocent worry, while Mori-senpai's figure stood still, observing them quietly through the paper barrier. It was like the stoic boy actually understood. The thought made Hikaru feel sick, so sick that he wanted to laugh out loud at the ridicule of it all.

Kaoru shifted a bit in his arms, before the boy's delicate voice resounded, rolling into the rattling sound of broken time beyond memories.

"_Hikaru… Do you like Haruhi?"_

"_Yes_. _Yes, I do."_

A stir of air. A thread of silence. Then his twin tightened his embrace, smiling the smile that he knew never reached those honey eyes anymore.

"_It's good then, isn't it?"_

His Kaoru had never cried in front of him, and this time was just like any other time.

But at least, for now, those beautiful eyes weren't on her.

That was all that mattered.

And in the darkest void of the night, he smiled as he gathered their shattered bonds into his bloody hands, wrapping the strings around their bodies while cherishing the scars that had since forever been carved to their arms and backs - now burning venomously on pale skin in an exquisite shade of crimson.

He felt sick. So sick that he wanted to laugh out loud at the ridicule of it all.

So sick that somewhere between his quiet, twisted laughter, it hurt.

But at least, for now, those beautiful eyes weren't on her.

* * *

"_I love you, Haruhi… but the truth is… Hikaru is more important to me."_

* * *

Now, for now, Hikaru knew that something had gone wrong.

"_What will happen if the carriage turns back into a pumpkin?"_

He lifted his head up from the numerous numbers in his notebook, cocking an eyebrow at the younger teen. Kaoru rested his chin in his palm with that mesmerizing gaze, as if expecting that something poetic would actually come out as an answer.

"_It means more food."_

"_Hikaru… That's just insensitive, even for someone like you."_

"_It's because most of the time I don't know what you're talking about. Is that from your literature homework?"_

"_No. But let's try this: Our Club was on that carriage. If it turned back into a pumpkin, what would happen?"_

"_We'd fall out. Isn't it so lovely?"_

"_Now that's really mean, Hikaru."_

He smirked, pulling the boy into his arms and ruffling the unruly fiery hair, enjoying the pout that had made its appearance on his brother's face.

"_What're you so afraid about, anyway? I'll die to protect you if I must… Hey! what was that punch for!?"_

"_That's even __**meaner**__, Hikaru. Are you saying that you're gonna leave me alone?"_

"_What about you? Are __**you **__going to leave me alone?"_

"… _You're such an idiot."_

"_But it won't change the fact that we're twins."_

"_Don't abuse that sentence just because I love to hear you say it… Hey, got any plan to ask her on a date tomorrow?"_

It made sense that something had gone wrong, and now it made even more sense because everything wasn't going in the right way.

So as he tried to put the shattered pieces together, it only made sense that they would once more fall apart.

* * *

.

.

_So what if the carriage turns back into a pumpkin?_

_._

_._

… _Are you going to leave me alone?_

_

* * *

__._

_._

"_Ah hah hah… So Kyo-chan stole your Kao-chan?"_

"_Don't laugh! He didn't come back _soon _like he promised!"_

_._

_._

"_Hey, Hikaru… Kyoya-senpai's pretty cool, don't you think?"_

_._

_._

Now, for now, Hikaru knew that something had gone wrong.

And when he knew it, his inside twisted and turned, and Tamaki's words mixed with Kaoru's smile as his twin wrapped an arm around Kyoya's shoulders. He clutched his stomach, feeling briefly nauseous. Because he understood very well what this kind of feeling was and because he understood very well that it was _ugly_.

_Don't…_

"_Guess what, Kyoya-senpai? I find you really cute sometimes."_

_Don't touch…_

Kyoya reached out to poke his twin's forehead, and Kaoru blushed a little.

"_Don't touch him."_

He remembered those golden eyes widening when he wrenched his twin's arm off the Ootori, just as clearly as he remembered the sadness stinging the Host Club president's violet orbs.

Now, for now, Hikaru knew that _everything_ had gone wrong.

* * *

_When did it go wrong, then?_

* * *

"_Why did you act so unreasonably, Hikaru?"_

Kaoru's voice shook a little, and Hikaru turned around to give his little brother a nonchalant look.

"_Are you angry?"_

"_Of course I am! You acted like we did something wrong! Just what were you thi-"_

He pushed the boy onto their bed and crushed their lips together. The nausea that had been haunting him never faded, because he understood very well what this kind of feeling was and because he understood very well that it was _ugly_.

.

.

_So what if the carriage turns back into a pumpkin?_

_... Are you going to leave me alone?_

_._

_._

"_I'm tired." _He said, taking a bite on his twin's bare shoulder, tasting the metallic liquid in his mouth as Kaoru gasped in pain.

The nausea that had been haunting him never faded. Because he understood very well what this kind of feeling was and because he understood very well that it was _ugly._

His little brother understood that, too.

But as always, his Kaoru was the more obedient one between them, so the boy closed his eyes and let him do what he needed.

_

* * *

_

_When did it go wrong, then?_

… _Perhaps it is now_.

* * *

The room smelled of sweat and blood, and their skin rubbed together as Hikaru licked the younger boy's throat before thrusting into him again. Kaoru's nails dug into his back, and somewhere in his vague mind, he thought he had heard his twin's quiet whisper.

"_I'm sorry, Hikaru…"_

His eyes widened briefly in the dark.

_Why are you sorry?_

_Why are __**you **__sorry?_

… _I'm the one who should have apologized._

* * *

.

.

"_You love him, do you? As more than a brother."_

"_No, Tono, I don't."_

_

* * *

_

He had started it all, and he had destroyed it all.

And he simply couldn't stop.

Time flew by like sand drip-dropping through the narrow tube of an hourglass, and when the night came, it suffocated both of them. Sometimes Hikaru went rough. Sometimes he was gentle. Kaoru had never complained, just like the younger teen had never stopped apologizing.

"_I'm sorry, Hikaru. I'm sorry."_

He silenced the words with his mouth, and forced himself into the boy again.

His Kaoru had never cried in front of him, and this time was just like any other time.

* * *

"_Hikaru, what's wrong with you?"_

"_I have no clue what you're talking about."_

He darted his eyes upwards to meet her chocolate gaze. Haruhi bit her lips, seeming hesitant for a while, but then she placed a hand on his shoulder and gave it a light squeeze.

"_You need to stop what you're doing, Hikaru."_

For a moment, he wanted to slap her hand away. Why did she always have to talk like she knew everything? She didn't know _anything_.

"_You sure you're not thinking too much? Everything's fine."_

She narrowed her eyes.

"_You're not only hurting yourself. You're hurting him as well."_

* * *

What did she know? _What _did _they_ know?

He didn't mean to hurt his little brother. He didn't _want_ to hurt his little brother. And his twin knew this, as well.

His Kaoru had never cried in front of him.

Because Hikaru could never stand it when he did.

* * *

"_I'm sorry, Hikaru."_

"_Why?" _One day, he asked.

Kaoru blinked at the unexpected question. Then the boy allowed a weak smile to surface, a slender hand reached up to trace along the line of Hikaru's jaw before cupping his cheek gently.

"_Because you always look like you want to cry."_

The older boy never did find a proper answer for this, so he remained silent.

"_I thought… it would be better if you loved someone and expanded your world… That it would be better if you were free from me…" _The boy continued, a bit shakily. _"So I pushed you towards her. I never realized how badly I'd hurt you, Hikaru. Breaking apart would probably be lonely… for both of us."_

His little brother smiled again, the smile that really reached those honey eyes this time, before Kaoru pulled him down a little and pressed their foreheads together. _"The one who destroyed everything wasn't you. It was me. That's why I'm sor-"_

Hikaru meshed their lips together and swallowed the words, just like he had done many times before. And when they pulled away, breathless, he released the question he had never had enough courage to ask, _"Kaoru… Do you…"_

_Do you hate me?_

_Do you detest me?_

_Do you…_

"_You just never gave me the chance to tell you that I love you, Hikaru. As more than a brother."_

He buried his face into the crook of his twin's neck, and this time, he allowed the tears to fall.

_It's okay if you hate me._

_It's okay if you detest me._

_Just… don't leave me alone._

* * *

.

.

"_Kaoru?"_

"_Hn?"_

"_I'm sorry."_

"_Sleep, Hikaru."_

"… _You're such an idiot."_

* * *

_**Challenge: Be your true bastard self, get rid of that sugary sickness in your Ouran stories and write me a sadistic Hikaru.**__ Dear my challenger (You know damn well who you are), I just want to say: What is so WRONG with my sugary sickness (Sure it gets stupid sometimes, but still…)? And why in the world do you want me to write an angsty Hikaru? My lovely little Kaoru is the right one for angsty stuff… (hugs Kaoru and cries). _

_My apologies to all the readers for the OOCness as well as the difficulties you have to go through in order to understand this story, and my thanks to all of you who has made to this part._

_My special thanks to __**MissGoldenAngel, Chidori no Tenshi, hitachiin-fangirl, StormShadow13, sunshine, SuikaChan555, IluvHikaruAndKaoru, Genesisuc, Spiritshipper-SuzaEuphy09, Jewel Flower, The Infamous Caichie **__for their reviews on my fic 'Why?', and __**twinkee-neekee **__for the reviews on 'Brutal', 'Brothernap' and 'Why?'. Your words touched me deeply._


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